To whom it may represent,
As I see myself crossing the finish line, I have been met with challenges I would never have expected. I find myself in pain, exhaustion, unwilling to keep fighting, and even heartbroken. I find myself feeling as if I am running this race over and over again. I am questioning the importance of my endurance… Even my ability to care. I understand that this pain feels so lonely, yet I am surrounded by so many others. Have you ever been in this state before?
I have been aching from a level of disappointment not only in myself but in others I let my guard down for. It can feel like an emotional setup, being robbed of my peace of mind. I find that this slope and this season can bring such polarizing identities. I am looking for a level of peace that I once knew, and looking forward does not feel as promising as it once was. I believe that my purpose and my motives are fighting for the same thing, and I can’t decide what is right at this moment. Do you have someone that believes in you? Tell them thanks.
In trauma, I have learned that most experiences are never alone; there’s a relationship. And knowing this means that my traumatic reactions are also because of relationships as well. But I do see a silver lining in this. I see that healing also is relational. Healing is a relationship with yourself, with others, and how you will present yourself for the peace of mind you also desire.
I guess you can say that I decided to continue this race in kindness to be my first companion in such dark times. I want positive relationships to be the audience I need to cheer through this finish line. And I am holding myself accountable for being a disappointment to others, even when I thought what was needed. Self-mastery waits on no one’s dependability.
Be Kind to yourself so that Love can work on you,
– William
